Hey, everyone! It's the last day of August, which means summer is ending and the struggle of juggling a full-time education, a part-time job, and a shockingly active social life begins.
I haven't loved my life recently. I've had a lot of health issues lately, which has taken a toll on my already-strained mental health. I haven't had an anxiety attack yet this year, but this past week has truly tested my inner freakin' peace.
There was a three-day period late this month where I felt extremely lonely yet suffocated, and extremely left out yet I couldn't seem to escape my reality. You see my dilemma! I felt these ways as a result of some current life events, and although I was very happy with some of the things happening, I was very sad at the same time. Hanging out with friends helped a lot, as it'd help me to feel understood and at ease. As with most funks I get into, I wanted to talk to my friends about my inner struggles and about all of the things that were causing me anxiety and depression, but I didn't want to vocalize my negativity and 'let it out' into the world. My thoughts were moving so rapidly, it would've been virtually impossible to capture them and share them with another person anyway. I found that simply being in the presence of my favorite people helped me to calm down a bit.
Because I find it so hard to think when I'm anxious and I don't wish to put whatever negative thoughts I manage to capture into the world anyway, I tend to ask the people I reach out to if they can tell me a story. Needless to say, I've been asking for a lot of stories lately and doing everything in my power to distract myself from my own life. No need to worry though, because every day things are getting a little clearer and life is getting a little more enjoyable.
School has been another major stressor for me recently, as I know how badly I felt last semester when I failed two classes and wasted all of that money. I wish so badly not to repeat that failure again this semester, but I know how hard and stressful school is for me, and how nothing is going to be different this time around; I am simply incapable of paying attention to things that do not interest me, and I am f**ked because of it. I'm trying to go into this school year with an open mind and think about all of the hour-long lunch breaks I'll have rather than all of the school work I'll have to do. Wish me luck, ya'll!
There really is no purpose to this post aside from informing you guys on how I'm feeling and letting you know that it's okay to emotionally relapse. I felt so discouraged after this shitty week because I had been doing so well for so long. I was hoping I'd never return to the state I was in this week, but I did, and it's okay because I know now that I can get out of it and return to my new and improved, happy self. It does get better. These problems are everything to me now, but they'll be nothing to me in the future.
Here are some things that have helped me to calm my anxiety and clear my mind:
Talking to those around me about my struggles and letting them know that I might need them more than usual during this time.
Clearing up any confusion regarding the relationships I have with those around me and getting answers to questions that I've let eat me up inside.
Spending time with my dog.
Sitting outside in the morning before it gets too hot outside and breathing in the fresh air.
Making lists of the things I have to do and the thoughts I have.
Being creative; cooking, photography, working on crafty projects.
Going for drives and getting out of the house.
Listening to old songs like This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) by Natalie Cole and Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin.
Dancing.
Eating healthy and nourishing my body.
Breaking shit. I'm not sure why, but whenever I'm feeling anxious and stressed, I get the urge to destroy things. I want to throw it, smash it, and feel it crumble in the palm of my hand. Rather than satisfying that feeling of destruction by hurting myself, I satisfied my most recent urge by putting a blanket over my door and lobbing stuff at it. I got the same satisfaction without ruining the door or anything I threw at it. It sounds scary and childish, but I truly can't help it. Maybe I'll do it outside next time!
That's it for today's post! I hope I didn't bring you down too much with my first world problems. If you currently feel the way I've been feeling recently, I hope you decide to try out some of the things I've done to get myself out of this funk. WE ARE STRONGER THAN WE THINK WE ARE!
Until next time,
Jordan x