What's up, babies? Yes, I'm still alive! It's been a while since I've hopped on the blog, simply because I haven't had the damn time. This year has been SO crazy, and the lack of activity on this blog has reflected that.
The most exciting news I have for you is that I haven't had a single panic attack this year! I've had to cope with the tragic and unexpected death of my dog, recover from three (yes, THREE) breakups, and finish two semesters of college with summer classes in between. There were SO many times throughout 2018 where I usually would've had a complete mental breakdown, but I never did. I handled all of my life's worst moments like a f#%king champ. I've broken down and cried many times, but I never let my sadness or stress mutate into a panic attack. This year I showed myself unconditional love, took control over my mind and emotions, and overcame my anxiety. 2018 has been the most painful and stressful year of my life, yet I've never been happier.
Speaking of self-love, this year I've grown and evolved into a person that is better and happier than I could've ever imagined. Over the course of this year, I grew into someone I could truly love. I started appreciating my body and recognizing my worth; I stopped letting myself get disrespected and I was brave enough to leave the comfort of my old life in pursuit of true, undeniable, explosive happiness. Even after I'd get hurt, I would continue to be vulnerable, honest, and straightforward about my feelings. I refused to let rejection, embarrassment, or uncertainty make me retreat back into the safety of my shell. This year I lived.
Through the highs and the lows of 2018, and from the many events that have taken place, I've learned a few valuable lessons that I think could save you a lot of pain and heartache in 2019. Let's get started!
Through the highs and the lows of 2018, and from the many events that have taken place, I've learned a few valuable lessons that I think could save you a lot of pain and heartache in 2019. Let's get started!
The more you experience, the easier it is to let go of your past.
I feel like I've lived several lifetimes in one year. I would refer to these new periods as 'chapters', but I feel like that term refers to different periods throughout the life of the same person. I, however, feel like I became a new person every month. These new lifetimes would begin and end with the creation and termination of relationships, the discovering of new interests and passions, the time of year, and the different events that had taken place throughout it. This year I opened up my heart, my mind, and my eyes, and I became more conscious of myself and my surroundings. I was finally able to 'see clearly' without my view being obstructed by the layers of influence, inexperience, and obliviousness that had once veiled me.
The more you experience, the more you realize how you aren't even close to being who you're supposed to be. The more people you meet, the easier it is to accept that your old friends or significant others probably weren't 'the ones'. The more things you see, do, and try, the closer you are to finding your passion and your purpose, and ultimately yourself. If you stay in the same place or in the same situation where nothing ever changes, you're not going to grow because you're not being exposed to anything new. You learn and grow by going through s#!t, and if you don't go through anything, you don't progress.
The more you experience, the more you realize how you aren't even close to being who you're supposed to be. The more people you meet, the easier it is to accept that your old friends or significant others probably weren't 'the ones'. The more things you see, do, and try, the closer you are to finding your passion and your purpose, and ultimately yourself. If you stay in the same place or in the same situation where nothing ever changes, you're not going to grow because you're not being exposed to anything new. You learn and grow by going through s#!t, and if you don't go through anything, you don't progress.
I started the year off desperate to marry my high school sweetheart, ready to grow up and settle down. I was so eager to solidify future plans and lock down someone who was willing to spend the rest of their life with me that I chose safety over satisfaction. I had NO idea how much I had yet to experience until I left that comfortable place. Albert Einstein once said, "The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know," and that's exactly what I realized this year. There are an infinite amount of people to meet, places to go, emotions to feel, connections to make, and sparks to ignite, and you have to explore all opportunities before deciding your fate.
With extreme love comes extreme pain.
If you allow yourself to develop a strong, deep connection with someone (and potentially a reliance on them), you need to prepare yourself to feel that same intensity of love, in sadness. I'm not saying that you and your significant other will break up in 2019, but be prepared for it to hurt really f#%king bad if you do.
When you and your significant other develop a connection so strong and reliable, and envision a future so wonderful, losing them can feel like losing yourself. I had gone through breakups prior to 2018 where I thought I had lost 'the one', and the pain that it caused me was unbelievable. I don't think I've ever been as f#%ked up as I was after my first breakup, because believing that you just let your soulmate walk out of your life is one of the worst feelings in the world. However, any time I thought I had done just that, I soon realized that they weren't the one for me; at least at that point in time. Because I had experienced this extreme loss before, I prepared myself for the end of my relationships in 2018. I told myself that there was no reason to get upset over the end of a relationship when I knew deep down that it wasn't meant to be. I prohibited myself from thinking of 'what if's and mourning the loss of something that I knew had to die in order for me to live. It's sad, but it's not the end of the world like I once thought it was. I've saved myself a lot of pain this year by listening to my brain instead of my heart.
Believe their actions, not their words.
If someone treats you like s#!t and acts like you're a burden on them, let them go. If they claim you're not a burden and that they do care about you, but they continue to treat you like s#!t, let them go. If they tell you you're wrong about assuming your low worth to them, but they end their sentence with, "But alright," or, "But believe what you want," let them go. It doesn't matter what they say, it matters what they do. The way someone treats you should be the way you interpret their feelings toward you.
The best revenge is true happiness.
I'll be the first to admit: whenever a significant other walks out of my life, I will go out of my way to make sure they know how great I'm doing without them. I will post cute pictures, romanticize my life, and try to make them regret ever letting me go. For a while, I felt like the best way to 'get back' at an ex was to show them how happy I was with someone else; maybe because I wanted them to know that I was over them, or that someone else could find me desirable. I would never get into a relationship just to make an ex jealous, but I always saw the jealousy new relationships caused as an unintended benefit.
Whenever a relationship of mine would fail and my ex would continue to be happy with their partner, it felt like they had the upper hand on me. As I began to truly love myself and stopped relying on others for happiness or stability, I realized that being single didn't give my exes the upper hand; my way of thinking did. By trying desperately to prove that I'm over an ex and that I have a long line of suitors waiting for a chance with me, I was only proving how unhappy I really was. When I finally became self-sufficient in the happiness, love, and confidence departments, I realized that not needing a significant other to be whole or happy was the best revenge of all. Being happy with yourself, by yourself, is the most liberating feeling and the best/only way to receive the closure that all of us heartbroken people crave.
That just about wraps up my year! If 2018 wasn't a great year for you, I hope it was at least somewhat educational and that you go into 2019 with an open mind and an open heart. Be ready for change, and don't be scared of it. Stop letting the fear of the unknown prevent you from stepping out of your comfort zone and creating a life you're in love with. Allow yourself to be shaped and molded by experiences, and don't resist the temporarily uncomfortable changes that the universe puts you through.
Until next time,
Jordan x
Until next time,
Jordan x