Just Going With It

Hey, people!

I didn't post at all last month due to my freakishly busy schedule, and even though I've only missed three months out of the four and a half years I've been blogging, I still kick myself in the ass for it. You guys know that I never want to put out any content that I'm not proud of, so rather than trying to think of an irrelevant idea and set up an aesthetically pleasing background to take pictures in front of, I thought I'd just talk to you.

The Briefing

These past few months have rocked my shit. The most prominent and life-altering event that's happened recently is that I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. We had so much love for each other and he is SUCH a wonderful guy, but I wasn't getting what I needed and I wasn't a great girlfriend because of it. I saw our relationship as safe and secure instead of exciting and fulfilling. Whenever someone asks why we broke up, I tell them it was because I was 80% happy when I know I could've been happier. I wasn't completely satisfied but I had someone that was satisfied with me, so for a long time, I was okay with 80%.

The hardest part about the breakup, aside from suddenly not having anyone to kiss goodnight or wake up to in the morning, was coming to terms with the fact that my future wasn't going to look the way I thought it was going to look. We had already started to solidify our plans, spending our free time driving around and looking for sites to build our already-designed house and discussing which college semesters we were going to get married in between. I had planned on spending forever with him, so it was a big kick in the balls when my suppressed thoughts had finally struggled out of the hole I buried them in and caused us to actually part ways. It's just really hard to acknowledge that your best friend and your safety net is not who you're meant to be with.

The breakup went as well as it could've gone and we still hold each other in such high regards. Some days are harder than others, but I find comfort in knowing that it'll get easier over time and that we did the right thing for both of us. We made the right decision, but it takes time to heal. We've already grown so much since the breakup, and it's really wonderful and affirming to see how much we've flourished without the other person holding us back.

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Another crazy thing that happened this year is that I finally have friends! They're my coworkers, but still! I've been working at the same place for almost two years with almost the same group of people, but due to our recent life changes and respective shit shows, we've grown closer as a group and even hang out outside of work. One night while I was feeling quite low about life, I was sitting at home wondering who I could vent to. I decided that I didn't want to talk to anyone at that moment, but I knew that I had a wonderful group of girls to talk to when I was ready, and for the first time in my life I didn't feel lonely.
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I made a new man friend recently and things have been going well! We got off to a rocky start, simply because we didn't find our groove right away and I automatically assumed that it meant we were incompatible. I was so used to being in a long-term relationship and knowing what my partner is thinking and feeling without saying a word, and knowing each other inside and out that I forgot it took time to get there too. It's just a matter of getting to know each other and learning how we express emotions and convey our thoughts. Everyone is different! Although it can be hard to read each other at times, I can tell you with 100% certainty that he is a wonderful and amazing man.

In the time that I've been seeing this guy, I've done things that I never thought I'd do or enjoy before. I've longboarded, I've boated, I've frisbeed, I've spent days at the beach, and I've gone out at NIGHT! He has exposed me to so many new things, and in this short amount of time that we've been together, I've noticed my world expanding and my spirits being lifted. He is such a joy to be around, and I think that we bring out the best in each other. One of the greatest bonuses of this relationship is the friends he brought with him. When I met his group of friends, they welcomed me into their group with open arms and treated me like they've known me forever. I am surrounded by so much love nowadays and it makes me so content and joyful. We're even going up north on a friends' holiday next month! Rather than rushing to plan my future with this new man, I am just enjoying our time together and letting the present take us into the future. All I know is that I'm having fun right now!

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The most exciting realization I've made recently was that I haven't had an anxiety attack yet this year.  A lot of shitty things have happened and I've been in a lot of stressful situations, but I haven't let them get the best of me. I've broken down and cried multiple times, don't get me wrong, but not once did I have an anxiety attack! I'm not sure what happened to cause this newfound calmness, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I have experienced all of these hardships before. I've experienced breakups and I know how bad they hurt, and I've experienced the new and challenging phases of relationships and how it gets so much better. Along with experiencing these things, I think my anxiety has improved because I've been trying to conquer my fears rather than letting them rule me. I've been saying what's on my mind and being vulnerable and stepping out of my comfort zone and being very straightforward and honest with everyone I talk to. I am no longer letting people hurt me and I am instead removing them from my life at the first sign of disrespect or disregard.

The Lesson

I've always been a very structured person. Most of my anxiety stems from being unprepared, unorganized, or pressed for time. After planning out my entire life with someone and watching those plans fall apart and feeling completely unprepared for my future, I've learned that you can't plan a future with someone unless you are sure that you can have a pleasant present with them. You can't plan for the future thinking 'hopefully this issue will resolve itself over time' because it won't. Pay attention to the red flags and try to fix them, and if your partner isn't cooperating or taking your concerns seriously, stop planning your life with them. If you want to have a future with someone, you have to bring up even the most uncomfortable issues. A successful relationship is about brutal honesty and about fixing what needs to be fixed in order to thrive together. If they don't understand the importance of fixing these issues or making minor improvements to themselves in order to better the relationship, they're not the one for you.

I've also learned as a result of these recent life changes that an open mind is essential to growth. Just go with it! My new man came out of nowhere, and at first, I was terrified to meet his friends and do half of the things that we've done, and even talk to him in the first place. In order to broaden my horizons and move forward with my personal growth, I've put my fears aside and said 'yes' to the majority of opportunities that have come my way. I figure that it's better to try something and realize it's not for you than to never try it and spend the rest of your life wondering. So far, I've had nothing but fun and I've found a lot of people and places and activities that make me happy! I have also decided that I am going to wait until I know that myself and this new man are fully compatible and good for each other before expecting a future with him. I am going to keep an open and realistic mind this time around, and I am going to remember that the only thing that is guaranteed in my future is me. I determine my future, not others.

That's it for today's post! I hope that the two of you who read these blog posts forgive me for my absence. I love you both! Hehe.

Until next time,
Jordan x