I had a mental breakdown last night. It was nothing out of the ordinary, and frankly I'm surprised it didn't happen earlier on in the evening. Although I'm extremely prone to panic attacks, the one I had last night was nothing like my usual ones. This mental breakdown came from a place of sadness and hopelessness rather than extreme nervousness. There was still crying and the complete disintegration of my mind, but rather than shaking and losing control over my body, I just sat there.
I was with my boyfriend last night when I started feeling gross. The past few days had put a bit of a stress on our relationship, and yesterday the negativity kind of added up. My meltdown was brought on by our conversation we had in my driveway after he had driven me home.
We talked about our minor issues, like why I would become so unhappy towards the end of every evening we spent together. (The answer was because I'd get tired and we couldn't find anything to do/watch on Netflix that we were both interested in.)
Opening up this door led me to thinking about other issues within our relationship; issues that weren't even issues yet. I started thinking about our future together, and if our extremely different lifestyles, beliefs, and interests would eventually make us hate each other. Opening up this door led me to opening every other door imaginable. I started to question my future with everything.
Sam suggested that the reason I'm so anxious all the time is because I obsess over the future. Although I think it's important to plan for your future, I realized that he was totally right. I worry about what might happen years from now rather than enjoying the present. I plan for the worst case scenario, which prevents me from being able to relax, which in turn poisons the 'here and now'.
We came to the conclusion that since we are such different people, we give and receive love in different ways. I need way more reassurance than he does. It doesn't necessarily mean our relationship is doomed, it just means we need to adapt to each other.
I still worry about things like where I'll end up, and what I'll be doing with my life, and if the guy I love now is the guy I'll love forever. However, I've realized that worrying about those things doesn't make them any better! Stressing out about your future doesn't stop it from happening. I've also realized that a relationship's success isn't predetermined by the couple's traits or differences; it's determined by your effort and your willingness to make things work. It's about deciding you love each other enough to overcome anything.
Long story short, things only work if you make them work. You'll only figure out what you want to do with your life by doing things. You'll only figure out where you belong by going out and exploring. So go out, make stuff happen, and don't let anything - including yourself - get between you and the things you love.
Until next time,